A house without rules is like a ship without a rudder, a tree without roots, a beard without a twiddly moustache. Okay, okay, here they are.

1. Zero tolerance of smoking or drug use. That’s none, nada, zip, zilch. Just to be clear.

2. Maximum of three overnight stays in one week. No sofa-surfing with us, thank you very much.

3. No children (under-18s) allowed overnight. No sleepovers!

4. Keep your home quiet and peaceful. London’s noisy enough. Don’t add to it. Respect others’ need to chill.

5. Work as a team. That means cleaning up, washing up, taking the rubbish out. No skimping. Or you will be turned into a pillar of salt.

6. Don’t borrow or take your housemates’ belongings without asking. But hey, you knew that.

7. Respect boundaries. If someone says you’ve wandered over a personal boundary, say sorry and don’t do it again. Boundaries are where happy, healthy harmony lives.

8. Be respectful, ALWAYS. No racism, rudeness or violence. Like, ever.

9. Love your home like it loves you. Lock doors and windows; preserve water, gas and electricity; clean up after yourself. Be generally hygienic and like a real member of the human race.

10. You’ll need insurance for your own possessions. They’re not our responsibility. Especially that Teletubbies onesie. Use your key code and keep your property safe.